It's not mendacious if it's audacious

Our greatest strength is our people. That's why we value loyalty over skill and speed over safety. For an example, if your full professional background has been in a single credit card call center you are clearly the right fit to run a national fulfillment network. Experience like that prepares our leaders to make the tough transformational calls needed - like hiding dangerous quantities of chlorine in a back room of a warehouse. But, shh, don't tell OSHA about that or our forklift training. And that mold you're also seeing covering entire walls may be black in color but it couldn't be black mold, so just shut up and color if you know what's good for you.

 We want to look warm and fuzzy like a tech startup but also want to live long enough to get rich. How do we do that? Just like other companies, we sweep problems under the rug. For example, when you're a male with the seniority to be a category manager here, you can get away with sexually harassing the spouse of another employee. What a perk! By telling HR to f*** off and keeping it out of the courts, we avoid bad publicity. Now that's a win-win. And to inspire predatory females, if you spend enough time here and rise to the level of almost being a real executive, you can even date and eventually marry interns. That's not a power imbalance in the post-#MeToo era, it's worthy of a shout-out.